When the Goddess handed me that piece of knowledge I thought I was sure now, sure of what I had to do with this homeschooling and better yet how I was going to handle it. So, I lightened the workload for Nyasha and gave her more activities to do. A couple of my neighbors gave us some assistance also. One of my neighbors did not know I was homeschooling Nyasha when she was presenting us with a wonder-full gift. My neighbor Goldie did and she gave us a beautiful but intricate paint by numbers set of an owl in the forest up in a tree. Another neighbor gave us a professional keyboard that she used to play. She told us it was a hobby of hers that she enjoyed doing but now she wants to pass it on to Nyasha. In addition to the art and music part of the day we go to the Library, the park and Nyasha has dance class on Wednesdays.
"Now, that should do it," so I thought. Even thought I did not want to admit it I still felt stressed and uncomfortable with and in myself. In two days I was looking for results some kind of sign that will show me that she is definitely learning. On top of that she still wasn't happy, she looked just as strained as I did. It's nothing that you would notice, it's a "Mama Thang" you know, Mamas know their children. So doubt came creeping in again (I'm sure it was always there anyway it was just hiding), along with guilt, pity and frustration and I began to freak out shouting: No more t.v. for you! Do your chores! Finish your work or you're not going to dance class! Go to bed! You didn't study your times table again! Get in there and study NOW!!! It was a mess, I looked and sounded ridiculous I'm sure, 'cause when it played back in my head I saw it in all of it's ugliness and stank. All I could feel was shame 'cause I shamed her as well. Even more than that, these are childhood issues I'm dealing with as well (I was shamed as a child), so every time I talk to her in any kind of way except in Love, I overstand that I am standing in fear and not in Love. Fear had consumed me. Panic had set in. I have to fix this.There I go again thinkin' I always gotta be doin' sum'um.