Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Process Of Doubt

A year has come and gone since I'd begun this homeschooling/life learning journey, and at times it still feels as if I have not gained enough confidence in my ability to do this, in other words I still have doubt. Not long ago I read an article in Life Learning Magazine, and the writer, Marnie Black stated:

"Doubts are useful. They help us to consider, examine and re-examine our homeschooling and assess whether something needs to change." She also goes on to say, "I continue to climb my ladder of doubts. Old doubts are left behind, and new ones crop up all the time. I've come to accept that doubt is part of the journey, I just deal with it one rung at a time."

She refers to doubt as a ladder and that she deals with those doubtful feelings one rung at a time. Very good analogy, I thought, but not so easily done for me as I was wading through this powerful emotion accompanied by insecurity, fear, and anxiety. There was one consolation though, I wasn't alone in feeling doubt about this journey of life learning/homeschooling, that if I felt this way from time to time and Marnie Black has felt this way also, then there must be other life learning parents dealing with this issue of doubt too. There is a bit of comfort in that knowing that I am not alone, that I can relax.

Sometimes I feel that we haven't accomplished enough during the course of the day, or maybe I should have let her do a particular assignment for an hour instead of thirty minutes. Or, am I jumping in too much instead of allowing her go at her own pace, to learn what is interesting to her not what I think she should learn now. Isn't that why I took her out of the school system in the first place? Hadn't she suffered under that regime long enough?  Her mind was hardly ever in the classroom for more than a few minutes at a time, that always bothered the teachers. Each year I would hear from a teacher, "she's not focused, she daydreams all the time, or she just won't pay attention!" I wasn't defiance because she enjoyed going to school, I guess it was the technique, or just plain boredom. Whatever it was, I took her out of school so she would not have to be subjected to that kind of verbal torture, and here I find myself doing the same thing. Telling her to stay focused, have this done in thirty minutes, or you aren't paying attention. These are the terrifying voices from my childhood that tends to rear their ugly heads more often than I care to see them. That school-speak mentality. It's a struggle to keep them buried.

Once I get centered,  I realize that a power struggle is not necessary. With patience and guidance learning does happen. When I let go and allow her to learn, not force feed her lessons, she is full of surprises. Knowledge flows from her lips, research is done on a particular subject of interest, (she pays attention to details), and countless questions are being asked when we have our together time. Most of the time they are questions about my childhood and/or my life in general. She finds my life to be very interesting. I relax and flow knowing that I've made the best decision for us. I know that I made the decision from the space of love not desperation. I know that I'm not alone and that I never will be. Now, I don't stress the doubt, knowing that it's a check-in mechanism for me as I push steadfastly on this wonderful journey of life learning we have purposefully decided to embark. As I reflect i thanks for doubt for propelling me into my Goddess-Self of wisdom, security, patience and confidence. Yeah, I got this!


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